No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Nothing.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.