No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code