No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.