@AphroditeAfter5: No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes
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@moooooog35: The sun isn't even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend. - birds
@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
@thagr8short1: Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
@trapgrampa: I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a gallon of milk for a nickel. now they got these damn security cameras.