I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.