I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!