No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.