No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on