No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children