@ceejoyner: No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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@titanrn: Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.
@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@mrtruthandsoul: According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
@stuartrutten: For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.