No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old