No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Monday
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Now this is how you LinkedIn
me and the Superbowl rn
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection