No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?