@jazmasta: No, I can't make it to your hair washing party tonight. I'm washing my h... erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.
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@Not_From_Troy: When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
@DurtMcHurtt: *Asks soulmate* What is your dream car and why? Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
@2friedroomies: Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said "turn down for what" so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
@michaelianblack: Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!