Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.