NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter