“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”