“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there