Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.