We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Well, shit
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.