@AristotlesNZ: No, I don't hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
@Bownuggets: Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's "disturbing" & I "need to leave yoga," or "at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"
@TheToddWilliams: [Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive [penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
@FlyJ_: [Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.