Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.