NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night