NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks