@mrtruthandsoul: No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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@JanelSantaCruz: "What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?" - God creating birds
@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
@kelkulus: My iPhone corrects "WHOA" to "WHOSE", which just made my text response to "I JUST HAD A BABY!!!" a little awkward.
@DanMentos: *rings bell* "Can I help you?" Yes I'd like a dragon on my back an- *starts pooping on a crucifix* WTF? *checks sign on door* "Taboo Artist"