No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
True statement👍😏😁
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.