No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread