IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?