No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY