No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
WTF IS THAT!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.