No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
You Might Also Like
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Just grow your own
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.