@senderblock23: No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?
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@JaymayAllDay: I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@Dank_Pal: [Job Interview] Sir, it says here you're part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
@VeroniKaboom: "He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I'd totally hit that."