My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.