FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Breaking news:
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.