NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.