ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
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It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!