No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like