@bigmacher: No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
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@imskytrash: barista: name for the latte? me: it's Zach with an "h" *two minutes later* barista: i've got a latte for Hach
@OutOfLeftField_: Women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
@david8hughes: [cops knock on my door] "Sir?" "Nobody's home." "Who said that then?" "My dog." "Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?"
@TheBoydP: Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan: 3. Remove moisture from the air 2. Remove odor from the air 1. Cover up disgusting sounds