@bigmacher: No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
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@PaperWash: date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA me: date: me: I went to Arby's 7 times yesterday
@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good
@pumpkin_horse: *lays down on memory foam mattress* mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade? me: I regret buying you