No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
first you must answer his riddles
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.