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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”