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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?