@KDonhoops: No internet for 11 hours. I've written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce "gif."
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@brennadine: [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
@Robert_Beau: Her: Put your finger on it! Me: Like this? Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now! -Making the perfect bow
@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.