No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My background check bounced.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.