If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Oh thanks BBC.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist