“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra