‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Netflix and awkward silence?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!