No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police