There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
never compromise your values
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
No, he would not have.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.