A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)