when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs