No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda