No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket