No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway